Many times people read stories or hear about the parents feel for passing Cystic Fibrosis to their child.  I have never yet read a story about the guilt I feel.  I am 32 years old and have Cystic Fibrosis. 

I have seen my parents go without to pay my medical bills.  I witnessed my dad taking a third job to keep the hospital bills paid.  Although we had medical insurance through his job, the bills were still high.  I was the reason my parents never got a bigger house.  Oh they never told me this, but I would hear the heated discussions with the bill collectors.  The emotions ran so high, my parents would even argue with each other.  Then there was my sister.  What a blessing.  Seven years after I came into the world, my wish came true.  My parents had a beautiful little girl without CF.  We were so happy.  But that became guilt.  She grew up in hospitals when I was in for surgeries.  She even learned how to give me insulin shots when she was seven and I was fourteen.  In third grade she used this as her health project at school.  She grew up with resentment in her heart.  She would never have a big sister like her friends did.

I promised myself I would not cause anyone else grief for my illness.  I did not want to see anyone else in tears when I was sick.  But I fell in love with the most wonderful man in the world.  Even knowing I had CF and diabetes, he still asked me to marry him.  Selfishly I said yes.  I see him at times so worried about me.  The look on his face.  It can be so heartbreaking.

I always joke and try to make people laugh.  I grew up in a household of laughter.  We knew that was the only way to stay sane.  God gave us salvtion and silliness to survive.  I still use this today as a defense mechanism, so people will not focus on the disease.  But I am tearing up inside.

I used to have many friends with CF.  All but three are gone now.  I don't understand why God didn't take me instead.  Those people were so much more worthy to live.  They brought so much love and care and laughter.  One of my dearest friends, Brian really hit hard.  I felt like I could not go on.  He was real.  He understood.  When he developed cepacia, I could not see him anymore.  When I was engaged my mom begged me not to ask him to come to the wedding.  She was afraid I might develop it.  I did as she asked, but I feel so guilty.  I remeber he asked if I would schedule my clinic appointment around his time so we could see each other.  He wanted to meet my husband.  Before I had a chance to, Brian died.  I really miss him.  I should have went, not him. 

I do not understand why I haven't had it worse.  Many CF people go through life with parents divorcing, siblings hating them, spouses leaving them, but not me.  Many CF patients have to have lung transplants, oxygen tanks, and cannot work.  Although I have had numerous surgeries and have been hospitalized a lot, I do not have it as bad as others.  I am grateful to God, but I am also guilt ridden.  Why couldn't others have wonderful friends and family like me.  Why can't they go through life without carrying an oxygen tank.  The guilt is overbearing, but I will just hide it with my jokes and laughter.  People will never know unless they read this.